Last-day-in-Shanghai-Blues

Max must be home by now. Tonight the harbor cruise, by myself since Jacob has a mandatory dinner which he says he would prefer to avoid...he has been fantastically patient and indulgent with me. I am impressed and grateful with how they work as a team, and how comfortable they are in this place. But I feel myself, my way of life, and my country have been discarded. I still think despite everything that America has possibilities, but at this point they are done with it. Jacob articulates his reasons, but I think his information is as slanted as...Fox News? Which doesn't make Fox News OK. He  has a higher standard for America than any other country, including China,  and so feels others are better even as he may admit they are worse in some aspects because the US is so far from living up to its promise. I wish he would make some contribution himself rather than just rejecting: whatever he does and wherever he does it he himself is a product of made in America; it's not all bad. Though I admit to being discouraged myself . . .

When I look at these boys, I see that their way of life and their expectations are so different from mine. I realize that they will never live near me, never have families that I will easily be a part of: they are a part of a new world that I cannot enter. I know many things and have many skills that I think are worthwhile; I am better at many things than most; but all of my knowledge and experience is utterly useless for them, wherever it is they are going. I would like to just glide into the Pacific on the way home and go out on a high note. However. They are competent, confident masters of what they survey, and inherit a universe of possibilities. And that is wonderful, has been my wish for them! I just need to create my own possibilities rather than sliding gradually downwards. Now I understand why parents go on to wish for grandchildren-- so they can spend their wisdom and continue to be helpful!

The harbor cruise-- turned out to be a vulgar, fancy enormous boat filled with shining wooden and glass surfaces. I did find the ticket booth (in a lighthouse) and eventually, the pier-- for another cruise. But they cheerfully exchanged my ticket and I got on board. We went up the harbor and down, looking at the fantastic light show on both sides of the river. The Jinmao tower had the strange property of always seeming about a block away from where we were. There was a photographer who had set up with his computer and printer taking pictures of passengers against the skyline-- including mine. But mostly the drama of the setting and the families and couples made me feel alone and futile.